helen demidenko - ukrainian-australian poet, september, 1994

helen's had many successes in the literary field, the vogel, the miles franklin, the asal medal, invitations to every literary festival in australia, (she was the darling of the conference circuit), commissions for magazines and overseas book contracts. she was also enrolled to do the master in creative writing at UQ under the guidance of jan hutchinson. i was in the same class, going back to uni to get a masters and to develop my animated cyberpoetry on computer as my research topic. helen was obviously writing her second novel. we became friends, she helped me with much of the literary theory that was new to me, and i helped her with being a convincing ethnic. not knowingly and that is the thing that hurts, that i was not sharing information with a friend, but that i was her research agenda.

half way through 1995, it was revealed in the courier mail, by david bentley, that her school headmaster had identified her as helen darville, the daughter of english migrants. it was a shocking day for me. i was teaching classes that day at griffith gold coast, and after driving from brisabane and reading the paper, i drove around in a daze for a while and the back to brisbane toi the catwalk club, a gentleman's lap-dance club(now there is an oxymoron) off on upper edward street, and got very drunk. it was a productive drunkness though, it produced a poem called 'i the writer' which became, without editing, my introductory chapter to my exegesis for my MA, got published in overland, and is online at jayne fenton keane's site, http://www.

worse was to come for helen when it was found she had plagiarised three short stories by brian mathews and their puiblication in republica. she came to my house to get brian mathew's fax in london just before the shit hit the fan, to see if she could avoid that happening - she couldn't.

i the writer

the poet the writer 
the person that others saw as a poet a writer 
a person that earned their living by writing 
had an idea 
an idea to be a student again a student of writing 
and so he wrote a proposal
a thought an idea on paper 
and presented the idea to a professor and a panel of academics for approval 
for acceptance 
acceptance being of course a reason for the writer 
becoming a writer in the first place 
to seek acceptance 
to belong to this country this landscape this society 
this place 
this  place where the writer the i the poet was born 
but was never made to feel a part of 
or never felt that he 
because a he he was 
he was born a he 
and a he he was undeniably and undoubtably 
because there was never any doubt ever in his mind of his he-ness 
just the proportions of his he-ness 
or at least the attention drawn to the proportions of the thing 
that linked him to all other hes his he-ness
his penis was small his mother said to the doctor 
well not his penis 
his father would not approve of her saying penis or pregnant 
in front of children 
his glands his glands doctor 
they look well underdeveloped for his age doctor 
but doctor said they'd be o.k. and they were 
but he always thought they looked small 
a smallish he-ness never ever never no wishing for a her-ness 
just  release from the harness of gender and classness 
this he-ness this writer this poet 
this i never felt part of this this so-called classlessness 
this blacklessness this genderlessness 
this loch-nessless bunyip land of milk and honey 
and cream brick houses on a quarter acre of land 
this land the i the writer the poet 
re-wrote to include himself in 
because he is a he 
he is a he who is a writer who sees things from a he point of view 
he who redefined the environment the atmosphere 
the landscape in which he could exist as a he 
and as a blackless he 
a blackless classless cuntless he 
he re-wrote re-interpreted the text the textures 
the yet to be expressed textness of this land and was accepted 
was accepted as a he that fitted into the he-scape 
he created the he-scape 
the he-text accepted him as a he 
in context 
he contextualized his blacklessness classlessness cuntlessness existence 
his text was accepted as a measure of acceptance 
acceptance of his status 
his context as a writer a poet a text generator a text experimenter 
in the context of this vast classlessness 
this sunburnt blacklessness 
this suck-my-cock cuntlessness 
was accepted to study writing 
to study again 
to create to reflect to comment on the text created 
as a writer 
as a problem solver 
as a traveler 
as a scholar 
as a student of creative writing 
new writing writing that engages that enrages 
that breaks conventions 
that challenges beliefs 
and defies definitions and traditions 
the i the writer the poet was accepted 
and by being accepted rejected the he he had been 
for that he the he he had been was a has been 
that he seemed like a stranger to him 
the writer the poet the i that wrote himself into the landscape 
into being into being accepted and was accepted as a student 
and as a student began to re-define the he he had been 
the he he called i the i that he wrote 
the i he thought i was because the i that writes is not the i that is written about 
for the i written about is never the i that writes but the i i thinks i is 
or the i i wants to be 
never he never i never the i that i is 
for in the context the he-text i writes within 
this lessness context this first world context 
this one world one globe context 
this well fed warm bed context 
this post berlin wall context 
this reconstructed marxist context 
this new world order context 
this solar powered environmentally friendly nuclear free context 
this post n.a.s.a. moon walk space probe intergalactic context 
this gloriously infinitesimal infinite infinity 
in the context of this infinity there is no absolute truth 
no absolute truth except that the i the i that writes 
the i that proposes proposals of study 
the i that is writing 
that i is finite that i has a  beginning and an end known as birth and death 
and between birth and death there is life 
and having a beginning and an end and a life 
that i must have a middle and a mid life 
and that mid-life is also a part of the context 
the mid-life he finds himself in or tries to find him self in 
for i has a self as well as a he and a context a place a landscape 
and a blacknessless and a classlessness and a cuntnessless 
and a self that is neither he nor she nor it
 a self that doesn't want his cock sucked when he is depressed 
a self that is happy in being 
and a self that enjoys self 
makes problems for self 
and a self that enjoys solving those problems for self 
enjoys being by itself 
creating for itself
a self comfortable with the infinity of the self 
a self masquerading as a he 
a mid-life he 
manifesting  as the i 
i the poet i the writer i the he the midlife he the she-less he 
the she-less he he chose to be 
 not for another she 
but to re-acquaint his self with he 
with i 
i the writer the poet 
to create a new context in which to exist 
to construct a new reality 
so that i could only place himself in the context of things to come 
not things that have passed 
the self is comfortable in the present can not be found in the past or the future 
i writes for the future 
creating a context 
for the self to be comfortable with when the future becomes present 
and he can be blamed for the past
so the poet the writer the i 
began to write the dissertation 
the writing that would make a significant contribution to the genre 
the genre of writing called poetry 
and i called this writing cyberpoetry.